I need to go to sleep. If I stay up, I'm going to think, and thinking is dangerous.

I'm so paranoid and suspicious. But you know what? Alot of my paranoia and suspicions usually aren't as unfounded as they seem. I have very keen perception and can usually pick things out that most people wouldn't.

My lovely didn't come out tonight to celebrate. It makes me wonder... was she and Carter doing something? I can't see them mixing with the same crowd on a night like tonight, but you never know. Maybe she snuck in to visit Kelly Green. That seems possible. I just hope whatever it is, she wasn't with Carter. That would piss me off royally.

Crappy New Year everyone.

I've waited all year for this...

...all for nothing.

Ok, so I'm an idiot. A huge idiot. The biggest idiot ever. I basically killed Christmas.

I had been SOOOOOOO good. I had stayed away from Lover #1's email for so long. And then today, I just HAD to see what he had done with the email I sent him [since he didn't reply to it; I know, cuz he was on AIM when I sent it and it's hours later and I still don't have a response]. Did I check earlier today, right after I sent it? NOOOOOOOOOO. I checked NOW. And between the time I COULD'VE checked it and now, Brittany sent out an email about a New Year's party. A DRINKING New Year's party. FUCK EVERYTHING.

I. DO. NOT. WANT. LOVER. #1. DRINKING. I don't want ANY of the SLG drinking, but ESPECIALLY not Lover #1. Fuck you Brittany. You're a fucking hoebag who's ruining EVERYTHING. I bet you you're going to convince Lover #1 to take you to the prom. To PAY FOR YOU TICKET even. How many proms have you gone to now? FUCKING WHORE. She's fucking taking Lover #1 and basically... FUCK! I can't even properly describe how I'm feeling. The emotions, the thoughts going through my mind. I just want to fucking kill somebody. OR EVERYBODY. OR MYSELF. Really, I'm not too fussy on what ends up dead. I just want death and destruction all over the place.

Why can't I just forget everything...?

YES! YES! YES!

It's been a VERY merry Christmas. =D

I really want to become friends with a celebrity. It doesn't have to be a huge celebrity or anything. I just think it'd be nifty to know someone who's been on TV or in movies and who's trying to do that. Or a musician. That'd be REALLY bitchin'. Someone from a band that's new and trying to get off the ground.

I don't want to be a creepy stalker or anything. I just want a penpal or someone with cool experiences I can chat with. That's all.

I've recently discovered that in addition to composing journal posts in my head, I have also taken to composing emails to Lover #1 too. Obsessed much?

I don't know what kind of crush I have on Gambit. It doesn't quite feel like alot of the crushes I normally have on guys. But I think I do have SOME SORT of crush on the guy. It saddens me that he's moving after this year. What the hell Gambit? What the hell?

Recently, I've come to the conclusion that I have a habit of doing something I call "bragging by omission". I hate it when people AIM messages and Facebook statuses as "Jenny just got her G2!!!" or "I GOT A FUCKING WII GUYS!!!" and so on. Because of that, I've never done it myself. However, I used to try to insert my bragging rights as early into a conversation as I could. Lately though, for alot of things [not everything] I've taken to "bragging by omission". For instance, instead of bragging about getting my G2, I would wait awhile [however long I could... at least a day or two] and then when the opportunity arises, slip the fact that I could now drive into the conversation. It's what I'm planning on doing with my XBox. I haven't told anyone from the Sunshine-Lollipop Guild about it. I'm planning on revealing its status by either showing off my mad, mad gaming skillz at a party... or by asking Lover #1 if I can borrow a game or two from him. And then it's gonna be  all like, "Yeah... I've an XBox for a while now..." and I think people will be more shocked by the fact that I've had it all this time and haven't mentioned one word about it and am all casual-like about it than if I had been straight-up "OMG I'VE GOT AN XBOX NOW I IS SOOOOOOOOOO COOL!!!"

Something like that at least. Maybe. I dunno. Either way, I'm keeping quiet.

I'm in a really crappy mood right now because I know that Lover #1 and Brittany and the rest of the SLG are at the Winter Semi-Formal at their school and yeahhhh... Lover #1 and Brittany are together RIGHT NOW. They're probably dancing and laughing and holding each other and kissing and god knows what else and it's going on RIGHT NOW and I KNOW IT. FOR SURE. D=

For some reason, I'm finding that dream with Gambit to be a bit unnerving... and I don't even know why.

In unrelated news, I have decided to go MIA. I'm sick and tired of the Sunshine-Lollipop Guild. I feel hurt and betrayed by them and just don't want to deal with them right now. If they're going to be like this towards me... then I might as well not exist. We'll see how they react to that.

I can't tell if I actually like Gambit... or if I only like him because my friends want me to. Well, not that they WANT me to like him... but they want me to get close enough to him to be able to introduce them to him. So yeahhh...

I mean, he's a cool kid. I always got kinda nervous around him, cuz I'm shy like that. It hasn't gotten particularly better OR worse.

I dunno. This dream that I had is on my mind. I haven't had a dream about someone kissing me in a long, long time. IT'S WEIRD.

Yeah... I don't know where I'm going with this.

I'm too suspicious. And paranoid. And quick to jump to conclusions. I need to start learning to accept things at face value. To stop assuming the worst case scenario. Not everyone is out to get me. Not everything is as dark as it seems. It's these suspicions and paranoia that's going to cause me alot of trouble one day. It already HAS caused me alot of trouble. It's saved my ass a fair amount of times, so I'm glad that I've got the gut instincts to realize that something's off, but I don't need to react so violently each time my gut twinges. If I would just sit back and think and process and approach things a different way... I could've saved myself alot of grief and anxiety. And I'd probably still have Lover #1. =/

I worry about Lover #1. Ok, maybe "worry about" isn't the phrase I'm looking for. I dunno. It just makes me sad to see how much he's changed. He's always seemed so mature for his age, I guess due to the fact that he's got way older siblings and works with alot of people in their mid-20s... but now he's starting to take on other traits of them... Like their sense of humour and way of thinking. It's kinda scary seeing him be so crude and blunt about sex. And horny. Holy fuck, he's turned into quite the little sex fiend, considering how he was when I first met him and the people he associates with and just the general air and persona and aura I pick up from him. It's frightening.

I can't stand it when people think they're too cool or too mature for things. Like on Halloween when Taylor and Allie were all like, "This is pathetic. As if you guys are actually going trick or treating." What's wrong with that?? We were just going for the fun of being able to run around outside in costumes and sing loudly and be stupid. If we happened to get candy out of it, double-bonus. If people said to us, "You gotta be kidding. You're too old and I'm not giving you candy." then fine, we would've just moved on. It's not like we were going out for the sole purpose of GETTING CANDY. We just wanted to have fun.

I don't understand people. I don't understand me. I can't wait to start therapy.

Music has got to be the best thing there is out there. It's amazing. It's so therapeutic. It can harm AND heal. It can make happy times happier and sad times sadder. It can alter your mood or your perspective.

I don't know where I'd be without music. I'd be crazy.  Crazier than I already am. I'd probably be dead. No lie. I owe my life to music.

It get so excited when I order CDs from the library. Like when I'm sitting at home, playing the Wikipedia Game, but choosing only music related articles, like bands and albums, and I come across albums and bands that seem cool, so I then go and order them from the library. A rush goes through me. It's exciting to think of all the new music I'll acquire. I can't wait to get a new iPod so I can put all my new music on it. It's going to be awesome.

Gogo music. b^_^d

You know... when you read his email... you're really asking for trouble. Like ALOT. Way to go.

You brought all this upon you. You have no one to blame but yourself.

I feel as though all this shit between Lover #1 and Brittany is karma being a bitch for what I did to Lover #1 with Lover #2. Technically, what Lover #1 is doing is morally better... but it hurts much more. [Though, I suppose only cuz I know about it. If Lover #1 were to find out that I cheated on him with Lover #2, well, I'm sure that would've hurt like hell at the time...] So yeahhh... I feel like maybe I was asking for all this.

I really want Brittany to die or something else equally horrible.... but somehow, I get the idea that that's not the best way to go about things, you know, knowing my luck with karma. Sooooooo... now I'm hoping that she gets accepted into a really pro, Ivy-league type college and leaves town after this year. It's a win-win situation: I get her out of my way so I can hopefully get Lover #1 back, and she gets an awesome education and gets to meet all sorts of people and see new places. XD

I'M NOT A BAD PERSON, REALLY.

I have really odd thoughts and curiosities. Some are more normal than others. For instance, I wonder what it'd be like to kiss another girl.... and maybe even go so far as to have sex with her. I've always wondered what it'd be like to get high... or to at least eat some "special brownies". But some of my other curiosities are more... bordering on creepy and psychotic. For instance, what would it feel like to kiss someone who just died. Like, they're dying in your arms, and you say a love confession to them, and with their last breath, you kiss... and then you just kinda keep kissing them, though they're technically dead. I've also wondered what it'd be like to drink someone's blood in a lusty fit. Ok, not DRINK as in consume mass amounts of the stuff. But yeah... taste it. To just in a fit, bite someone hard enough to draw blood and taste it.

I think one of my creepiest notions however is... I kinda want to know what it'd be like to violate a young girl. And I mean YOUNG. I was about to say "not rape them", but then I realized that yeah... it'd be rape. But like... not in  a violent way. Just in a curious way. Just inserting one finger gently in there, but not forcing it if it doesn't go. Just to see.

I can't wait to start my therapy. I've got so much I need to talk about... to work out... I need to get it out of me.

I just want to be ok.

Ok, so I'm doing this research paper, and one of the ads on the side of this website that I'm using has a pic that reminds me SOOOOOO much of a hotter Lover #2. [lulz] That kid has totally blocked and deleted me from his life. Which is too bad, cuz I kinda miss him and really am just looking for someone to fuck around with right now. It'd be pretty damn awesome. I wonder if there's a way to get him to see me over the winter break...

Sometimes, I don't like this deal of looking so young. It's weird to think that many people guess my age at one younger than that of Lover #1's. Also, it's kinda creepy the looks I get sometimes from bus drivers, teachers, general people on the street. Maybe they mean for it to be a fatherly look, but more often than not, it just comes off as lecherous! I know it's cute that I'm small and look unassuming and am easily excitable, but then go off to university or talk about random things, but seriously. IT'S CREEPY.

I like how I look though, so I'm not likely to change anytime soon. But still... It's just unnerving.

Man, I think there's something wrong with me. SOOOOOO many guys and/or men I see remind me of either Lover #1's older brother or his father [depending on the age of the male I see]. They never remind me of Lover #1 himself [probably cuz I'm too close to him and know him too well], but yeah... they remind me of his brother or father. And it's not even a recent, "Oh, maybe it's cuz I'm still nursing a broken heart" type thing. This happened alot while I was actually still dating Lover #1. It just didn't really start bothering me until recently.

Strange thing: I used to always get really nervous around Lover #1's father. Mostly because the guy is tall and somewhat intimidating and I can be really shy. But also partly because whenever I saw him, I could bits of Lover #1 in him. [Luckily, it didn't work the other way around, so there was no "Ewww... your father!!" whenever I kissed him or anything.] But yeah... I just found it really creepy and unnerving. Everytime I looked at his father... I could see bits and pieces of him... in the way he walked... the way he spoke... his inflection and body language. SO CREEPY. That, plus the fact that the man was just generally intimidating and intense made it SOOOOO awkward to talk to him...

Fuck, I miss Lover #1 so much, I'm starting to miss his parents now too. (><)

On a related note, I discovered the feature on Google Maps where it'll give you not only directions on how to get somewhere by car, but by walking too. Apparently it would take me 10 hours [probably closer to 11 in actuality cuz I'm slow] to walk to Lover #1's house. Even though he's no further than he's been all these years, that makes me sad. He's so far away...

Sometimes it's weird being such close friends with Johnny Harper and Jake. They tell me just about everything. They'll even joke about uhhh... crude, guy-like topics. It's weird. It's like, do they remember that I'm a girl? Who I am? Or is it because I'm older and more up front about more random things than most? Either way, it's weird.

You know what sucks? Being the victim of a self-fulfilling prophecy. It happens to me all the time. I'm all like, "I know this is going to happen. I just KNOW IT." and because I believe it with such conviction... in the end I inadvertently cause it to come true.

For instance, I knew Lover #1 would get sick of me and break up with me. I JUST KNEW IT. But you know what? He probably wouldn't have broken up with me if I hadn't been so adamant that it was going to happen. I kept harping on it, and stressing about it, and being paranoid about it and yeah... it probably didn't help matters between us and eventually drove him crazy and away from me.

So basically, I'm the cause of all this. Hopefully some therapy will sort me out. Unfortunately, it might be too late...